Announcement Announcement Module
Collapse
No announcement yet.
Stuff I learned over the years Page Title Module
Move Remove Collapse
X
Conversation Detail Module
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Stuff I learned over the years

    Just got this in email... so appropriate!!

    Subject: Stuff I learned over the years


    DRILL PRESS:

    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:

    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh he....'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

    Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW:

    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. P.S. they don't call it a SKILL SAW for nothing!

    PLIERS:

    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:

    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:

    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your

    future becomes..

    VISE-GRIPS:

    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES:

    Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:

    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

    Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

    A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    BAND SAW:

    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

    A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

    See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR:

    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:

    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:

    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    DAMMIT TOOL:

    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
    I put it all back together better than before. There\'s lots of leftover parts.

  • #2
    Re: Stuff I learned over the years

    That's too funny.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Stuff I learned over the years

      I thought it was kind of a cute list until I got to the Dammit Tool. Now that's funny! I happen to own more than one of those.
      Teach your kids about taxes..........eat 30 percent of their ice cream.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Stuff I learned over the years

        Scored 100 %.

        Over the years I have done all of them at least twice, the dammit tool thousands of times.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Stuff I learned over the years

          My DAMNIT tool is a 20 pounder sledge hammer so look out.

          Run when I get angry.

          I think maybe I'll change over to a 200 pound plus anvil. That way it stays put and I can grunt away and it will still stay put on the floor.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Stuff I learned over the years

            That list should also include the "Son of a Bi%$h" tool.

            Thats the forgotten "dammit" tool that was thrown across the yard last week and just found with your lawn mower
            INSIGHT PIPE is now Maine Drain Serving most of ME with no charge for travel! 207-431-6232 is nolonger a working # our NEW # is 207-355-1476
            Sewer main snaking (roto rooting). Sink clogs. Sewer backup. Pipe inspection/locating. No Dig trenchless repair. Root clog removal.We are NOT to replace your local Plumber, as we do not do plumbing. WE ARE YOUR DRAIN CLEANING EXPERTS!!! www.sewermaine.com waterville winslow bangor augusta skowhegan fairfield pittsfield oakland

            Comment

            Working...
            X