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  • #16
    Re: jokes

    how do you confuse Vince the eskimo?

    put him in a igloo and tell him to pee in the corner.

    Vince

    Comment


    • #17
      Re: jokes

      THE WEDDING TEST


      I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

      and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

      decided to get married.. There was only one

      little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

      younger sister.


      My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

      tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

      would regularly bend down when she was near

      me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

      be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

      near anyone else.


      One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

      come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

      alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

      had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

      overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

      before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


      Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


      She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

      you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


      I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

      up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

      and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

      opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

      Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

      outside, all clapping!


      With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

      said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

      little test. We couldn't ask for a better

      man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


      And the moral of this story is:

      Always keep your condoms in your car..

      G3

      Comment


      • #18
        Re: jokes

        there's 2 old guys driving down the highway and they see a dog sitting on the side of the road licking his nuts.

        the one old guy says, "man, i wish i could do that".

        the other old guy says, "oh. he'd probably bite you".

        Vince

        Comment


        • #19
          Re: jokes

          A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a tractor mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
          When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
          When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
          The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.” "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.



          G3

          Comment


          • #20
            Re: jokes

            The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

            The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

            I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

            I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

            The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

            Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

            The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

            Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

            Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

            Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

            Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

            'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

            The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

            Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the was tebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

            The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

            But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

            'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

            'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

            Don't Mess with Old People!!


            G3

            Comment


            • #21
              Re: jokes

              G3,

              X 2

              thanks

              Vince

              Comment


              • #22
                Re: jokes

                Originally posted by G3sprinklers View Post
                THE WEDDING TEST


                I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

                and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

                decided to get married.. There was only one

                little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

                younger sister.


                My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

                tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

                would regularly bend down when she was near

                me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

                be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

                near anyone else.


                One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

                come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

                alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

                had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

                overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

                before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


                Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.


                She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

                you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


                I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

                up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

                and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

                opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

                Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

                outside, all clapping!


                With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

                said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

                little test. We couldn't ask for a better

                man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


                And the moral of this story is:

                Always keep your condoms in your car..

                G3
                An event like that,FIRE THE FAMILY,keepTrucking and stay happy.
                Kenneth Collier
                Maintenance and Sewer

                P.O. Box 9441
                Jackson, MS 39206
                (601) 613-2678 (Cell)
                drainman881999@yahoo.com

                Comment


                • #23
                  Re: jokes

                  Originally posted by G3sprinklers View Post
                  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

                  The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

                  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

                  I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

                  The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

                  Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

                  The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

                  Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

                  Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

                  Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

                  Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

                  'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

                  The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

                  Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the was tebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

                  The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

                  But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

                  'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

                  'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

                  Don't Mess with Old People!!


                  G3
                  You are on a roll tonight.
                  Kenneth Collier
                  Maintenance and Sewer

                  P.O. Box 9441
                  Jackson, MS 39206
                  (601) 613-2678 (Cell)
                  drainman881999@yahoo.com

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Re: jokes

                    Did you guys see the study the goverment just did? They just found out what food destroys a womens sex drive

                    WEDDING CAKE

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Re: jokes



                      G3

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Re: jokes

                        Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.' Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes, ' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
                        He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'


                        G3

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Re: jokes

                          a eskimo was tapping on some ice looking for fish when a voice said, "your not going to find any fish down there!"

                          the eskimo ignored the voice and continued tapping.

                          again the voice said, "your not going to find any fish under there!"

                          the eskimo looked up and shouted, "who are you.....God?"

                          the voice replied, "no, the ice rink manager!"

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Re: jokes

                            A farmer, his twin daughters, a priest, a monk, a rabbi, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an Italian all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them for several minutes and says, "What is this....some kind of joke?".

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Re: jokes

                              can't think of a joke now but this should bring a smile (or memories?) to some folks:

                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPunmx3STDQ
                              In order to understand recursion, one must first understand recursion.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Re: jokes

                                darius,

                                you made me smile and laugh a lot.

                                thanks.

                                Vince

                                Comment

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