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  • #31
    Re: jokes

    December 8 6:00 PM
    It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

    December 9
    We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
    Up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

    December 12
    The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

    December 14
    Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

    December 15
    20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes o ut. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

    December 16
    Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

    December 17
    Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

    December 20
    Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said They're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a sno w blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

    December 22
    Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white s*** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p***. By the time I got undressed, p****d and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

    December 23
    Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

    December 24
    6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I br o ke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a ***** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

    December 25
    Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

    December 26
    Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

    December 27
    Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

    December 28
    Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!

    December 29
    10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

    December 30
    Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

    December 31
    I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

    January 8
    Feel so good. I ju st love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?



    • #32
      Re: jokes


      GOOD: A Madison , SD policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12- year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

      BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Sioux Falls , SD . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

      BEST: A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A South Dakota State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 'He replied, ' South Dakota State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.



      • #33
        Re: jokes

        One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

        When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the Chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

        Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.

        From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. They had fled Europe after WW2, and formed their own town.

        To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant...and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

        Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though, elderly, Norse firefighters.

        The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

        "Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on the fookin truck!!!"



        • #34
          Re: jokes


          • #35
            Re: jokes

            A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
            He marched straight up to the counter and said,
            'Hi. You know what?, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
            The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffer and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
            You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes-Benz CL, and he supplies all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas trips.
            A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc, located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
            The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bullchittin' me!
            The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'
            info for all: --- "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


            • #36
              Re: jokes

              For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!
              info for all: --- "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


              • #37
                Re: jokes

                John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.

                'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
                info for all: --- "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


                • #38
                  Re: jokes

                  A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
                  Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right
                  thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
                  accelerating through the intersection.

                  The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
                  frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
                  dropping her cell phone and makeup.

                  As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
                  into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
                  exit her car with her hands up.

                  He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
                  photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
                  policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted! back to the
                  booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal

                  He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
                  behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in
                  front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.'

                  I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder,
                  the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker , and the chrome-plated
                  Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'
                  info for all: --- "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


                  • #39
                    Re: jokes

                    What is sex?

                    An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather,

                    who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded (by adults) question. 'What is sex...?'

                    He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer. He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.

                    When finally Grandpa was done telling all, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.

                    Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied.....................

                    'Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs.'
                    info for all: --- "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."


                    • #40
                      Re: jokes

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                      • #41
                        Re: jokes

                        With thanks to the Bio-Clean newsletter:

                        A husband and wife are shopping at Wal-mart and the husband puts a case of beer in their shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "It's on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
                        "Put it back, we can't afford it," demands the wife. So he puts it back and they continue shopping.

                        A few aisles further down the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

                        Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price"
                        "Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied." Mark Twain


                        • #42
                          Re: jokes

                          A father was showing a fellow worker a picture of his five grown sons.

                          The father's friend asked what his sons did for a living. The father said the older

                          two sons are doctors and the youngest two sons are lawyers.

                          The friend asked what the middle son did for a living and the father said,

                          Oh he is a plumber. Someone had to pay for all the other sons educations.


                          • #43
                            Help me!!! Help me!!!!

                            Ah, Greener Grass.... The Big Bail Out.

                            It is important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements,
                            To go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence. PICTURE 1

                            But one must also be careful, sometimes you can reach too far. PICTURE 2

                            But when you find yourself over-extended, and you're stuck in a situation that
                            you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember...
                            YOUR there to help you.. PICTURE 3



                            • #44
                              Re: jokes

                              One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood there looking down she noticed a look of mixed emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment and skepticism. touched by his deep display of emotions, her eyes glistened and she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

                              "It's amazing", he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
                              Last edited by SlimTim; 02-06-2009, 10:59 PM.
                              "Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied." Mark Twain


                              • #45
                                Re: jokes

                                Two men had been adrift in the ocean in a lifeboat for several days. A corked bottle floated by and one of the men plucked it out of the water. I looked ancient. He pulled the cork and out popped a Genie.

                                The Genie stated, "For freeing me from the bottle I will give you ONE wish."

                                Without thinking the man said, "Turn the entire ocean into BEER!"

                                The Genie clapped his hands and in an instant the whole ocean was frothing with foam and had become the finest brew ever.

                                The two men put their heads over and drank their fill and in a few minutes the other man jerked up and said to his friend in disgust, "Nice going stupid, now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
                                "Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied." Mark Twain