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  • #61
    Re: jokes

    this guy goes to the doctor one day and complains that he hasn't gone poop for a week.

    he explains to the doctor that he tried the over the counter suppositories but they didn't work.

    the doctor tells the guy to drop his pants and bend over and spread his cheeks.

    the doctor explains that he'll insert one heavy duty suppository right now and that he was to insert one every 4 hours until he poops.

    with great discomfort the guy bends over and accepts his medication from the doctor.

    the guy gets home and 4 hours later askes his wife to help him with the suppository.

    being the loving wife that she is she readily aggrees to help.

    the husand bends over, the wife puts 1 hand on his shoulder to comfort him as she gently inserted the medication.

    the husband let out a blood curdling scream.

    surprised by his scream, the wife appologized for hurting her husband.

    the husband said, "no, it didn't hurt. i just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!"



    • #62
      Re: jokes

      One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

      When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

      But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offe r to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

      Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

      To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

      The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

      A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

      'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
      Northern Kentucky Plumbers Twitter Feed | Plumbing Videos


      • #63
        White House Fence Repair

        Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
        One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

        All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The
        Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
        then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will
        run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

        The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then
        says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
        and $100 profit for me."

        The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the
        White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

        The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
        guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago
        contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the
        guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

        And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
        "It's a table saw, do you know where your fingers are?" Bob D. 2006


        Time, cost, or quality; pick any two but you can't have all three.


        • #64
          Re: jokes

          Dear Tech Support:

          Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
          3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

          Thanks, Troubled User.. (KEEP READING)

          REPLY: Dear Troubled User:

          This is a very common problem that men complain about.

          Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

          You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

          The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

          Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

          However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

          WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

          Best of luck,
          Tech Support
          Buy cheap, buy twice.


          • #65
            Re: jokes

            A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
            The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
            screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
            "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
            something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles."
            With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!
            You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!!!!!!!!!!


            • #66
              Re: jokes

              A cattlerancher is speeding driving down I-90 and notices a trooper behind him signaling "Pull Over". The rancher, deciding to have a little fun, insteads speeds up as if to outrun the cop, then eventually pulls over. The officer, marches up to the driver window, "Son, my shift ends in twenty minutes, if you can tell me a reason I haven't heard before on why you ran from me, I'll let you go."

              The rancher thinks for a second, then leaning over, "Well, my wife ran off with a cop a few weeks ago, I thought you were him trying to give her back."
              "Have a nice day sir."
              Last edited by tailgunner; 02-23-2009, 06:01 PM.


              • #67
                Re: jokes

                A man is on trial for a double homicide and the judge begins to read the charges, "You are charged with killing your wife with a claw hammer" when he is interrupted by a voice in the back of the courtroom, "He's a lousy Bum!". The judge continues, " You are also charged with killing your mother in-law with a claw hammer" when he is again interrupted, "He's a rotten lousy Bum!". The judge says, "Sir, I can understand your being upset but you cannot disrupt these proceedings. The man stands up and says, "Your honor, I've lived next to that bum for fifteen years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't own one!".


                • #68
                  Re: jokes

                  Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counseling after 25 years of

                  When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful
                  tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had
                  been married.

                  She mentioned neglect, lack of intimacy, loneliness, feeling unloved and
                  unlovable, a whole list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of
                  their marriage.

                  Finally the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asking Jacqueline
                  to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse to reveal her pert full breasts,
                  embraced her, put his hands on her breasts and kissed her passionately,
                  moved down and licked her erect nipples as. As she groaned seductively her
                  husband watched with a raised eyebrow.

                  Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse and quietly sat down as though
                  in a daze.

                  The therapist turned to Mark and said, "this is what your wife needs at
                  least three times a week. Can you do this?"

                  Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
                  Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."


                  • #69
                    Re: jokes

                    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
                    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
                    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

                    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

                    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.
                    I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

                    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

                    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
                    In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

                    Then, in the evening, I took the Mov iPrep.
                    You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system

                    a liter is about 32 gallons.)
                    Then you have to drink the whole jug.
                    This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

                    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
                    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

                    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.

                    You eliminate everything.
                    And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

                    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
                    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
                    I was very nervous.
                    Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
                    I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
                    How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
                    Flowers would not be enough.

                    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

                    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
                    Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying
                    down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
                    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what

                    would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
                    staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your

                    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
                    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.

                    And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.
                    If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

                    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
                    I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


                    • #70
                      Re: jokes

                      A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He
                      thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New
                      York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas .
                      He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy' s

                      The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

                      'What for?' says the lawyer.

                      The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

                      Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

                      'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and
                      registration, please.'

                      The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

                      'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law
                      License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

                      Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
                      stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket.
                      If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

                      'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

                      At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
                      daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow


                      • #71
                        Re: jokes

                        A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arkansas . He shot and dropped
                        a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

                        As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
                        tractor and asked him what he was doing.
                        The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
                        I'm going to retrieve it.'
                        The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over
                        The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
                        United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
                        take everything you own.'
                        The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle
                        disputes in Arkansas . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick
                        The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
                        The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
                        go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
                        on back and forth until someone gives up.'
                        The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
                        he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
                        The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
                        His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
                        lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
                        His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
                        his mouth.
                        The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
                        sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
                        The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
                        wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart.
                        Now it's my turn.'
                        (I love this part)
                        The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'


                        • #72
                          Re: jokes

                          Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,** I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
                          Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
                          *One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed
                          and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
                          Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know 50 dollars is 50 dollars.'


                          • #73
                            Re: jokes

                            'What can I do for you?' asks the doctor.

                            The man answers, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

                            The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
                            couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple
                            finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
                            you have intercourse.'

                            He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
                            and he says good bye.

                            The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch
                            again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

                            This happens several weeks in a row.

                            The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
                            the doctor, then leave.

                            Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but
                            I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
                            The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
                            we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

                            The Holiday Inn charges $98.

                            The Hilton charges $139.

                            We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.


                            • #74
                              Re: jokes

                              Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas
                              and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

                              The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any
                              longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags
                              him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done,
                              the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

                              An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day
                              his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

                              "AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't