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What do you call...........

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  • #16
    Words women use!

    This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right _and_ you need to shut up. _
    Five Minutes_
    If she is getting dressed, _this is_ half an hour.
    Five minutes is _only_ five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house._
    Nothing_ This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine". _
    Go Ahead_
    This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT! _
    Loud Sigh_
    Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". _
    That's Okay_
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. _
    This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and _back out of the room slowly_.


    • #17
      Re: Words women use!

      Here is a guy camping up near Vince!
      Last edited by Jay Mpls; 03-27-2009, 01:10 PM.


      • #18
        Re: What do you call...........

        Originally posted by Plumbus View Post
        The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
        Only because a lot of women’s 'communication' involves telepathy!



        • #19
          Re: What do you call...........

          This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

          As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

          Damn women drivers!!


          • #20
            Re: What do you call...........

            A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary
            wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
            The mortician asked the deceased's wife how
            she would like the body dressed.

            He points out that the man does look good in the
            black suit he is already wearing.

            The widow, however, says that she always thought
            her husband looked his best in blue, and that she
            wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a
            blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs,
            but please have my husband in a blue suit for the

            The woman returns the next day for the wake.

            To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in
            a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
            suit fits him perfectly.

            She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm
            very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very
            grateful. How much did you spend?"

            To her astonishment, the mortician presents her
            with the blank check.

            "There's no charge," he says.

            "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of
            that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

            "Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing.
            You see, a deceased gentleman of about your
            husband's size was brought in shortly after you left
            yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
            I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave
            wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no
            difference as long as he looked nice."

            "So I just switched the heads."


            • #21
              Re: What do you call...........

              A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

              The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

              "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

              "Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

              The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
              Buy cheap, buy twice.


              • #22
                Re: Words women use!

                Originally posted by Jay Mpls View Post
                Here is a guy camping up near Vince!
                that's too funny!

                i recognize that guy.

                i was wondering where my dog and my beer went.



                • #23
                  Re: What do you call...........

                  Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and
                  a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
                  Maude: What in the hell is that?
                  Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
                  Maude: Where did you get it?
                  Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.
                  The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condom.The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks
                  what brand of condom she prefers.
                  "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a camel''
                  The pharmacist fainted.