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  • Rim Shot

    Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


    An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
    The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
    The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
    The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
    You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
    'Do you mean a rose?'
    'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


    I love this one!
    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave the hospital.
    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
    'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'


    Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
    Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
    'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
    'Sure..'
    'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
    'No, I can remember it.'
    'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
    He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
    'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
    Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
    Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
    'Where's my toast ?'


    A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Yep!'
    'Do I know her?'
    'Nope!'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
    'Because she can still drive!'


    Three old guysare out walking.
    First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


    A manwas telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
    'Twelve thirty..'


    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


    And One more. . .!
    A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stoolAfter catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
    Teach your kids about taxes..........eat 30 percent of their ice cream.


  • #2
    Re: Rim Shot

    lmao, thanks dave i really needed this laugh this morning more than you will ever know!!
    9/11/01, never forget.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: Rim Shot

      funny
      I have heard most of them before but still good,
      Push sticks/blocks Save Fingers
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good."
      attributed to Samuel Johnson
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
      PUBLIC NOTICE: Due to recent budget cuts, the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil...plus the current state of the economy............the light at the end of the tunnel, has been turned off.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: Rim Shot

        Thanks Dave

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Rim Shot

          Doctor Dave was feeling a bit guilty.
          He has been having sex with some of his patients....

          That inner voice said" Dave it's OK...you are not the first medical professional
          to have sex with their patients....Besides you're single...it's OK

          Then THAT other voice from within said....

          "Dave, Dave,,, you're a Veterinarian!!!"


          Cactus Man

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Rim Shot

            Three Labrador retrievers--a brown, yellow and black--are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--the sofa,the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "I am going to get fixed, they are takin my family jewels," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

            The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I am loosing my jewels too," the dejected yellow lab said.

            The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, you're getting fixed too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
            We don't have preventative maintenance around here, we have CRISIS MANAGEMENT!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Rim Shot

              Originally posted by masterbeavis View Post
              Three Labrador retrievers--a brown, yellow and black--are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation. The black lab turns to the brown and says, "So why are you here?" The brown lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything--the sofa,the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "I am going to get fixed, they are takin my family jewels," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

              The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like I am loosing my jewels too," the dejected yellow lab said.

              The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away." The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, you're getting fixed too, huh?" The black lab says, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."
              Lucky Dog!

              Comment

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