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A Message from the Queen

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  • A Message from the Queen

    A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

    To the citizens of
    the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
    II

    ...
    In light of your failure in recent years to
    nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
    yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
    effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English
    Dictionary.)

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
    monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North
    Dakota, which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, David
    Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further
    elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may
    be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid
    in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are
    introduced with immediate effect:

    -----------------------

    1. The
    letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and
    'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
    the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
    (look up 'vocabulary').

    ------------------------

    2. Using the same
    twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you
    know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such
    thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
    spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u''
    and the elimination of '-ize.'

    -------------------

    3. July 4th
    will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    -----------------

    4.
    You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting
    grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
    therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
    grouse.

    ----------------------

    5. Therefore, you will no longer be
    allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
    Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
    public.

    ----------------------

    6. All intersections will be
    replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with
    immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
    without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
    help you understand the British sense of
    humour.

    --------------------

    7. The former USA will adopt UK
    prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US
    gallon. Get used to it.

    -------------------

    8. You will learn to
    make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and
    those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
    chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
    vinegar.

    -------------------

    9. The cold, tasteless stuff you
    insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper
    British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and
    accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
    acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth
    and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British
    Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as
    Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
    confusion.

    ---------------------

    10. Hollywood will be required
    occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
    required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie
    Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
    experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese
    grater.

    ---------------------

    11. You will cease playing American
    football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those
    of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
    similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
    every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
    nancies).

    ---------------------

    12. Further, you will stop
    playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series
    for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are
    aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You
    will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take
    the sting out of their deliveries.

    --------------------

    13.. You
    must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
    mad.

    -----------------

    14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax
    collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
    acquisition of all monies due (backdated to
    1776).

    ---------------

    15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4
    p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits
    (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God
    Save the Queen!


    Cactus Man

  • #2
    Re: A Message from the Queen

    Now there's progress!!!

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: A Message from the Queen

      "Congress and the Senate will be disbanded", and they were doing so well

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: A Message from the Queen

        No matter how bad america gets, it's still better then all the other countries out there. Don't believe me? Leave America and find out for yourself.
        Buy cheap, buy twice.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: A Message from the Queen

          You should take up her Majesties offer as the US is stuffed with 16 Trillion dollar (104% of GDP) noose around your necks and china knocking on your door and demanding you pay your dues I would think ruled be England would be better than ruled by China

          Tony

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: A Message from the Queen

            We will be 'ruled' by no one other than ourselves and we would all rather
            die rejecting outside intervention.

            Didn't we make that clear in '76 ?

            We are far from perfect but if we are so bad why does everyone try to come here any way they can.
            ---------------
            Light is faster than sound. That's why some people seem really bright until you hear them speak.
            ---------------
            “If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.” - Albert Einstein
            ---------
            "Its a table saw.... Do you know where your fingers are?"
            ---------
            sigpic http://www.helmetstohardhats.com/

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: A Message from the Queen

              #16. You will no longer be allowed to go to a Dentist, ever!
              Teach your kids about taxes..........eat 30 percent of their ice cream.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: A Message from the Queen

                From what I've seen, they come here because we got "STUFF".... lots and lots of stuff that they don't.

                They like our stuff better then they like their stuff, what little stuff they may have. "STUFF" is what its all about.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: A Message from the Queen

                  Pretty funny. Taken as it should be.

                  Seriously now, there is no such thing as a King, Queen, Prince, Princess, Duchess or whatever else similar. Any recognition given this by anyone is ignorance. Still astonished people in the UK elect to do this.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: A Message from the Queen

                    Originally posted by BobsPlumbing View Post
                    Pretty funny. Taken as it should be.

                    Seriously now, there is no such thing as a King, Queen, Prince, Princess, Duchess or whatever else similar. Any recognition given this by anyone is ignorance. Still astonished people in the UK elect to do this.
                    We do it too. Only instead of king and queen, we call them "stars". :-)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: A Message from the Queen

                      Originally posted by Pipestone Kid View Post
                      We do it too. Only instead of king and queen, we call them "stars". :-)
                      Kid they are much more than just "stars", people like lindsay lohan are role models for our youth.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: A Message from the Queen

                        Funny thread. Made my day. Especially the dentist part.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: A Message from the Queen

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                          • #14
                            Re: A Message from the Queen

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                            • #15
                              Wedding Receptions Woodinville

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