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Dear Santa.....

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  • Dear Santa.....

    Dear Santa,

    How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

    reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

    would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for

    Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

    Merry Christmas,

    Timmy Jones

    * *

    Dear Timmy,

    Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

    fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the

    time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to

    get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you

    something you can go outside and play with.*

    Merry Christmas,*

    Santa Claus***

    * *

    Mr. Claus,

    Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,

    set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

    granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this

    joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at

    my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit



    Tim Jones

    * *

    Mr. Jones,

    While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,

    need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

    a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

    well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been

    on retainer ever since the Burgomaster Meisterburger incident and will be

    more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

    alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

    skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

    bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

    Very Truly Yours,

    S Claus

    * *

    Now look here Fat Man,

    I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

    attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

    into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys

    and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat *** and I’m taking my game console,

    my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!


    * *

    Listen Pizza Face,

    Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

    one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees

    you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,

    genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your

    **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

    that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll

    all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you

    asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in

    you’re *** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

    S Clizzy

    * *

    Dear Santa,

    Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.


    * *


    That’s what I thought, you little #######.


    Cactus Man