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  • On the lightter side

    A friend sent me this.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
    for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
    COOL!

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
    triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
    was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
    arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
    spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
    must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
    and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
    to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
    want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
    little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
    circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
    triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
    from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....I
    decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
    MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
    position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
    testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
    the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
    me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
    undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
    from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
    second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
    sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
    (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
    reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
    get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
    twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm
    offering a significant reward for their safe return.

    Still in shock,
    Tommy
    --
    Last edited by TOD; 03-14-2006, 08:57 AM.
    SSG, U.S. Army
    Retired
    K.I.S.S., R.T.F.M.

  • #2
    Got it to work.
    SSG, U.S. Army
    Retired
    K.I.S.S., R.T.F.M.

    Comment


    • #3
      I'm somehow reminded of a Jeff Foxworthy line,
      "Has anyone in your family died after saying, 'Hey, watch this!'"

      Saw this the other day:

      http://inlandvalley.net/light/Deer_Hunter.wmv

      Comment


      • #4
        i am glad i am not the only one who has done that but i did it 8-10 years ago and mine had a 9volt battery and i am still looking for my balls but i think my wife had found them and just wont give them back (wifes have away of doing that)
        9/11/01, never forget.

        Comment


        • #5
          Tommy, that was hilarious. Two thumbs up!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by TOD

            Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
            my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
            for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
            --
            Buys a taser at a pawn shop for the wifes' 22nd wedding anniversary present.
            My kinda guy

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by oldslowchevy
              i am glad i am not the only one who has done that but i did it 8-10 years ago and mine had a 9volt battery and i am still looking for my balls but i think my wife had found them and just wont give them back (wifes have away of doing that)

              Mine did that about 25 years ago!
              Phil
              Tools Rule

              Comment

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