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On the lighter side

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  • #16
    Re: On the lighter side

    Subject: Email to Tech Support

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded my operating system from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, that includes applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Goingtothepub 7.5, and Softball 3.6.

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run these favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but I'm unable to do it because the uninstall portion of Wife 1.0 doesn't work. I need your help, please advise!


    Troubled User.....


    Dear Troubled User:

    You have described a very common user problem.

    Many users upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM! It is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! Once installed, it is also impossible to uninstall or delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the Wife 1.0 program files from the system once they have been installed.

    You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to prevent this from happening and could cause the system to "crash." Look in your Wife 1.0 User's Manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. It is recommended that you keep Wife 1.0 and install the latest upgrading enhancement which will improve the performance of this very popular and useful program. This latest upgrade includes the background application of "Yes Dear" which should alleviate this software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal after the system has been degraded, disrupted or corrupted in anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a very useful and great program, but you should understand that it requires very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, Do Bills 4.2, ChildRaise 11.0, to mention only a few.

    However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to automatically launch the Nag 9.5.2 program command. Once this happens, the only way to improve the system performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software, such as, Flowers 2.1, Diamonds 5.0 or NewCar 3.4.

    WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install the Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 program, as this application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to your entire operating system and most probably will cause the entire system to automatically "shut down" and never being able to "restart."

    Best of luck,

    Tech Support


    • #17
      Re: On the lighter side

      Why does Osama Bin Laden carry a camel turd in his pocket?

      Photo ID.


      • #18
        Re: On the lighter side

        A Texas rancher, Osama Bin Laden, and an engineer were walking on a beach when a genie popped out of a bottle. Each man was granted one wish. The Texas rancher wished for all the land in Texas to be forever fertile. Poof-it happened. Osama Bin Laden wished for an inpenetrable wall to be build around the countries of Afganistan, Iran and Iraq. Poof-it happened. The engineer thought for a minute and asked the genie about Osama's wall. The genie said the wall completely encircled the three countries, was 500 feet high and 500 feet thick. Nothing could penetrate it. The engineer said, "Fill it with water."


        • #19
          Re: On the lighter side

          Subject: Walmart Greeter.........
          A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with
          her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
          The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
          children you have there. Are they twins?"
          The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they
          ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would
          you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
          "I'm neither blind or stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
          believe you got laid twice."
          9/11/01, never forget.


          • #20
            Re: On the lighter side

            Jack and Jill decided to go for a road trip in the country. About an hour later and checking out the gorgeous scenery, Jill says to Jack, you need to pull over somewhere so I can go twinkle. Jack looks over at Jill and asked her if she could wait a couple of minutes, because he knows of this trail, and it would be easier for her to do her thing.
            They finally reached the designation, as Jill was getting out of the truck, jack asked her to be quick about her business, so they can get going again.
            After 10 minutes go by Jill has not returned, and Jack is running out of patience, so Jack hops out of the truck and went to go look for her. He is walking down the trail and still walking and not finding Jill, finally he spots her squatting over a bridge but she wasn't peeing, he yells to her "Jill I thought you had to pee" Jill replies with her finger SHHHHHHHH!!! theres a canoe down below and I don't want to pee on them. Jack gets curious and walks to the bridge and looks down below. Then he looks over to Jill with a smile and says, " why Jill honey, thats no canoe down below thats just your reflection in the water".

            Great Link for a Construction Owner/Tradesmen, and just say Garager sent you....


            A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years, a bad climbing rope will last you a life time !!!


            • #21
              Re: On the lighter side

              New Bull in Town
              Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and thus a discussion began.

              First Bull: "Boys, I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we all agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this new bull is going to get HIS cows, but I not giving him any of mine."

              Second Bull: "That says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPING MY COWS."

              Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I'm going to keep all MY cows."

              They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Bitchin-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

              First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

              Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for argument."

              They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

              First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

              Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just trying to make sure he knows I'm a bull!"


              • #22
                Re: On the lighter side

                Attached Files


                • #23
                  Re: On the lighter side

                  Originally posted by Sol View Post
                  I think the thread just "jumped the shark" on that one.


                  • #24
                    Re: On the lighter side

                    In professional wrestling, there is a hold call the "Pretzel Hold". It is a submission hold and once your opponent has you in it, the match is pretty much over. No wrestler has ever been able to counter the pretzel hold.

                    In a championship match, one of the wrestlers gets the pretzel hold on his opponent and according to the ringside announcers, the match is all but over. Then, in a flurry of teeth, hair, and eyeballs, the wrestler makes history by reversing the pretzel hold and going on to win the match.

                    When asked by the excited reporters how he mangaged this historic fete the wrestler replied "I made a tactical mistake allowing him to put me in the pretzel hold". Explaining his predicament he continued "My body was twisted and contorted... I couldn't tell which end was up and the pain was excruciating. I was just about to give up when I managed to get one eye open and saw a set of balls hanging down. With my last ounce of strength, I reached up with my mouth and bit those balls as hard as I could................Do you have any idea how fast you can move when you bite your own balls?
                    Last edited by zeker; 04-25-2007, 08:42 AM.


                    • #25
                      Re: On the lighter side

                      A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the
                      breeding bull exhibit.

                      They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This
                      bull mated 50 times last year."

                      The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See .

                      He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."

                      They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

                      bull mated 120 times last year."

                      The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a
                      week! You could learn a lot from him."

                      They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
                      capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

                      The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
                      that's once-a-DAY.

                      You could REALLY learn something from this one."

                      The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the
                      same cow."

                      NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
                      the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more
                      operations he will be ok.

                      I've learned a lot from my past experiences.
                      I've learned nothing from my passed experiences.


                      • #26
                        Re: On the lighter side

                        Hahahahaahhahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! I Came For The Saw And Staying For The Jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


                        • #27
                          Re: On the lighter side

                          A ravashing blonde was pushing her BMW ,with a bit of difficulty ,on the side of the autoroute. A patrol officer on a motorcycle pulls up, and asks if he can be of assitance. the blonde says ," no officer I will be done in a few minutes". The officer perplexed asks why she is pushing the car,obvious brand new. the blonde replies the dealer told me to do 30 mph in town and to push it on the autoroute now and again.


                          • #28
                            Re: On the lighter side

                            Hell explained by Chemistry Student.....
                            You gotta love this guy's explanation of hell.......

                            The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

                            The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well

                            Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
                            Most of the students wrote pro ofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
                            compressed) or some variant.

                            One student, however, wrote the following:
                            First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
                            volume in Hell beca use Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

                            This gives two possibilities:
                            1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
                            2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
                            So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
                            over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leavin g only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

                            THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".


                            • #29
                              Re: On the lighter side

                              That'll make ya smile!



                              • #30
                                Re: On the lighter side

                                Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.A penny saved is a government oversight.
                                9/11/01, never forget.