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On the lighter side

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  • #31
    Re: On the lighter side

    A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
    lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

    "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was
    the day you spent with your family."

    "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
    try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
    before I devoted my life to Christ."

    "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
    of recreation was not relaxing?"

    "Far from it," snorted the Sister. " In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
    vain today!"

    "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
    me all about it!"

    "Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
    yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
    drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's
    flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird
    in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

    "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
    make you blaspheme, Sister!"

    "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
    what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
    runs off down the fairway!"

    "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" A sympathized Mother.

    "But I didn't, Mother Superior! " sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of
    myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this
    hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
    ball still clutched in his paws!"

    "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

    "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the
    hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
    hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
    paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

    Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
    fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

    "You missed the f**ing putt, didn't you?"

    Comment


    • #32
      Re: On the lighter side

      Originally posted by oldslowchevy View Post
      what is offten a rednecks last words?
      yeah yall....... watch this!

      It has been discovered that GM has placed little black boxes in the PCM modules of their late model vehicles. When analyzing the cockpit voice recordings during post crash investigations, there appeared a regional trend in the sayings that were observed.
      From the Northeast: Did youse see dat, he just cut us off, Hey Buddy, F....You.
      From California -Honey, you shouldn't have merged like that....pop pop pop, crash
      from the Rural South - Hey Bubba, Hold my beer and watch this.
      Only a surfer knows the feeling. Billabong ca. 1985 or so

      Comment


      • #33
        Re: On the lighter side

        Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 sixpacks of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

        No further testing is planned.
        You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

        Comment


        • #34
          Re: On the lighter side

          So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
          "And finally sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq
          today."
          Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He
          buries his face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
          "Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and
          it's terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the
          matter?"
          Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian
          9/11/01, never forget.

          Comment


          • #35
            Re: On the lighter side

            The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

            "Jesus Christ!" he says.

            Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a lot better than Clyde!
            Great Link for a Construction Owner/Tradesmen, and just say Garager sent you....

            http://www.contractorspub.com

            A good climbing rope will last you 3 to 5 years, a bad climbing rope will last you a life time !!!

            Comment


            • #36
              Re: On the lighter side

              .A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.

              Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!"

              "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

              The doctor snickered and said, "Just ****ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

              Comment


              • #37
                Re: On the lighter side

                Originally posted by Hooligan
                OK After reading thru the thread, Just thought of this:
                http://www.ridgidforum.com/forum/att...3&d=1177986796
                Now, if all plumbers gave that view, I'd be tearing pipes out of my house as fast as I could, repeatedly.
                Oh, I'll bet she steals wallets too...
                Last edited by Roadrunner; 05-05-2007, 03:55 PM.
                Only a surfer knows the feeling. Billabong ca. 1985 or so

                Comment


                • #38
                  Re: On the lighter side

                  Originally posted by Roadrunner View Post
                  Oh, I'll be she steal wallets too...

                  I have a feeling she doesn't need to steal any wallets.
                  You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Re: On the lighter side

                    Originally posted by garager View Post
                    The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside. On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

                    "Jesus Christ!" he says.

                    Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a lot better than Clyde!

                    Alternate punch line:
                    Mary says, "I like that better then Hymie!"



                    Al
                    America:
                    The land of the free
                    Because of the brave

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Re: On the lighter side

                      Originally posted by Roadrunner
                      http://www.ridgidforum.com/forum/att...3&d=1177986796
                      Now, if all plumbers gave that view, I'd be tearing pipes out of my house as fast as I could, repeatedly.
                      Originally posted by Hooligan
                      Oh, I'll bet she steals wallets too...
                      Here's what happened when I clicked on the link.


                      vBulletin Message
                      Invalid Attachment specified. If you followed a valid link, please notify the administrator




                      Al
                      America:
                      The land of the free
                      Because of the brave

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        Re: On the lighter side



                        Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

                        When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

                        So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one

                        Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw

                        St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

                        The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

                        The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, careful where she steps.

                        She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
                        St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

                        The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

                        The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
                        Jim

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Re: On the lighter side

                          The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...

                          FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

                          FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

                          1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

                          AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

                          SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

                          FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

                          2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

                          TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

                          COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

                          83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

                          STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

                          SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

                          GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

                          FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

                          FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

                          FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

                          BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

                          SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

                          FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

                          HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

                          GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

                          HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

                          GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

                          NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

                          FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

                          AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

                          TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

                          EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

                          OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

                          JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

                          LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

                          ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
                          “Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world.” —Thomas Carlyle

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                          • #43
                            Re: On the lighter side

                            (click on picture to make bigger)
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                            Jack

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                            • #44
                              Re: On the lighter side

                              Some things that make you go hmmm....

                              2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
                              5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
                              6. Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?
                              8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a workstation?
                              9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
                              12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
                              15. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
                              16. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
                              21. How come there aren't B batteries?
                              23. How do "Do not walk on the grass" signs get there?
                              24. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?
                              25. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
                              26. How is it possible to have a civil war?
                              28. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
                              29. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
                              30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
                              31. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
                              32. Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?
                              33. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
                              34. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?
                              35. How do you throw away a garbage can?
                              36. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
                              37. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
                              38. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
                              39. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
                              40. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
                              41. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
                              42. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
                              43. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
                              44. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?
                              45. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
                              46. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
                              47. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
                              48. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
                              49. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
                              50. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
                              “Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world.” —Thomas Carlyle

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                Re: On the lighter side

                                Things to do at the Mall ...

                                If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

                                Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

                                Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

                                At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

                                "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

                                Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

                                Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
                                “Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world.” —Thomas Carlyle

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