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On the lighter side

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  • On the lighter side

    Polish sausage
    "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk
    looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy (clearly
    offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If
    I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
    Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me
    if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask
    me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if
    I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well,
    no!" "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
    Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't!" With deep self-righteous
    indignation, the guy says,"Well then why did you ask me if I'm
    Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies,
    "Because you're at Home Depot!"
    SSG, U.S. Army
    Retired
    K.I.S.S., R.T.F.M.

  • #2
    Re: On the lighter side

    1. A day without sunshine is like night.
    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
    6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
    cheese in the trap.
    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
    13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
    20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
    the heck happened?"
    22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
    23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
    bright until you hear them speak.
    24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
    jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your *** tomorrow
    9/11/01, never forget.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: On the lighter side

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
      Man...that's some great stuff!!! Thank you both. I have nothing to add, unfortunately. I hope there's more to come, though!!
      I put it all back together better than before. There\'s lots of leftover parts.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: On the lighter side

        I saw and stole this from another WW Bulletin Board.


        These are the Man Rules! And all of them are numbered "1" for the obvious reason!

        1. Men are NOT mind readers.
        1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
        1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
        1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
        1. Crying is blackmail.
        1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
        1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
        1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
        1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
        1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
        1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
        1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
        1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
        1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
        1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
        1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
        1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
        1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
        1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... really.
        1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
        1. You have enough clothes.
        1. You have too many shoes.
        1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
        1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping
        ================================================== ====
        All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: On the lighter side

          rotflmaopmpx2
          9/11/01, never forget.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: On the lighter side

            Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
            looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
            was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
            looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little
            desperate."
            The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
            your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
            with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing
            tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

            The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
            9/11/01, never forget.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: On the lighter side

              Ok gent's here it is.
              Attached Files
              No, the half of the missing finger was not power tool related.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: On the lighter side

                The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery. She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

                Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.
                9/11/01, never forget.

                Comment


                • #9
                  What would you do?

                  1. You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
                  2. On your right side is a sharp drop off.
                  3. On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
                  4. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is
                  unable to overtake it.
                  5. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the
                  Kangaroo.
                  6. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous
                  situation?

                  If you do not know, see answer below.































                  Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: On the lighter side

                    You guys...are just too much fun!!! I finally found one...lemme see if I can post it right....
                    Attached Files
                    I put it all back together better than before. There\'s lots of leftover parts.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: On the lighter side

                      The Rules of Woussko

                      Rule 1 - Most of the time Woussko is wrong and is just acting like he knows the right answer.

                      Rule 2 - Woussko loves to bay (howl) like an old sick hound and especially when he knows nothing about what he is talking about.

                      Rule 3 - If you ever think that Woussko just may have the correct answer, read rules 1 and 2 again.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: On the lighter side

                        Originally posted by Woussko View Post
                        The Rules of Woussko

                        Rule 1 - Most of the time Woussko is wrong and is just acting like he knows the right answer.

                        Rule 2 - Woussko loves to bay (howl) like an old sick hound and especially when he knows nothing about what he is talking about.

                        Rule 3 - If you ever think that Woussko just may have the correct answer, read rules 1 and 2 again.
                        Woussko, any relation to Eyore?
                        Attached Files
                        Cheers! - Jim
                        -------------
                        All truth passes through three stages: First it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident. - Schopenhauer

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: On the lighter side

                          How To Install A Very Inexpensive Home Security System

                          1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 16 work
                          boots.

                          2. Place them on your front porch, along with some copies of Guns & Ammo
                          magazines and your NRA magazines.

                          3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

                          4. This is the most important part, take Ketchup and a old rag and rub it all
                          over the porch, boots, bowls and front door so it looks like you tried to
                          clean up after the attack.


                          5. Leave a note on your door that reads:

                          Hey Bubba,
                          Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
                          Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
                          and they messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
                          but, it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways, I locked all four
                          of 'em in the house. And remember, THEY DON'T BARK!!!
                          Better wait outside. Will be right back!
                          9/11/01, never forget.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: On the lighter side

                            what is offten a rednecks last words?





























                            yeah yall....... watch this!
                            9/11/01, never forget.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: On the lighter side

                              A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
                              fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to
                              good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
                              without even one person looking twice at it. My friend decided that people
                              were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he
                              changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole
                              it.
                              9/11/01, never forget.

                              Comment

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