A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Arkansas . He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Arkansas . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that
he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the
lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.
wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn.'
(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,** I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.
*One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.' Morris and Esther agreed
and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know 50 dollars is 50 dollars.'
'What can I do for you?' asks the doctor.
The man answers, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple
finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way
you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says good bye.
The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch
again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row.
The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays
the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but
I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas
and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any
longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags
him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done,
the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day
his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't
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