Good friends here.
Sometimes I wish there wasn't so many miles between all of us.
Just seeing this post for the first time as I have not been on much lately.
Get well Gene, we're all rooting for ya!
Light is faster than sound. That's why some people seem really bright until you hear them speak.
“If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.” - Albert Einstein
"Its a table saw.... Do you know where your fingers are?"
I have a question. I fear I may be taking the seat Mr. "Gene" here is starting to leave vacant. While I don't believe I have a problem drinking, I feel as though I have problems that cause me to drink. At what point does one say, "Enough is enough!", while still be able to afford things like a roof, food on a plate, and prevent financial loss to employers?
Now, I know I have had this conversation before with a few people here, and they know whom they are, but this time, it just seems different. I can't shake the feeling that my issues do not stem from things I have done, nor mistakes I have made, but from things I haven't done, in the name of preventing mistakes I would have made, however in doing so was in fact the very mistake I was making. Thus everything I do simply feels so, very, empty.
My work improves homes that I do not live in, as well as allow businesses, that I am not employed by, to improve performance. Yet any failure to do so not only hurts my employer, but the client, and finally myself in some way or another. Any and every mistake I make and/or cause costs time and money. While money can always be recovered, time, once spent, cannot. Thus my work ethic is based on "Do no harm." Only I have have demonstrated time and again my ineptitude to uphold such a moral has caused the very things I have often try to prevent. Perhaps it is because I seem to have a compulsion to "Save the world".
While I have been deemed "THAT GUY!" a few times, I sometimes wonder if I followed the "dumb luck" I sometimes I seem to have, that I can truely make this world an easier place to live in, at least for a few people, while gaining nothing for myself, however something I can live with. Two opportunities have recently surfaced to my attention. A woman, whom is a tenent of my employer of a four family he owns, has two children, and a problem with paying the rent on time, if at all due to the economy seemed to me in need of a lifeline. This woman (Whom is as beautiful as she is athetlic), needs only six more months in college in order to get her teaching certificate and a four year degree, from a college that is literally only one thousand feet from my house. However, she owes thousands of dollars to the college, which in turn prevents the institution from accepting her again, plus her children prevents her from affording their services. If I asked for her hand in marriage, and she accepts, I can sign over my GI Bill benefits for her to return and complete her certificate program, and get the Gymnastics teaching position at a health center that is also within fifteen minutes from my home. Instead of being in debt and damn near homeless, I can save this woman, enable her career, get her out of an apartment, into a house, amd god dammit, have someone say "Welcome home" after a hard day's work after I arrive. Unfortunately this assumes everything works the way it is suppose to, which the government clearly demonstrates it cannot. Though when I shared this idea with my mother, she responded, "Are you NUTS?" "What if she divorces you after she gets what she wants?" "You gain nothing after this!" "Don't bear the problems of someone elses mistakes!" The first child may have been an 'oops', but the second?"
The second opportunity came today when my shop super for the military called asking if I was willing to voluteer for ninty days in Haiti for the relief effort. While I would like to go, I know for certain my employer's default answer is a firm "No". These are the issues I have to deal with on a daily basis. Do I ask her to marry me out of convienence while risking everything? Is she worth the risk to begin with? Do I dare risk my employment in this awful economy to do my part to save the lives of others, while I may not be able to afford a home of my own if I do so? Worst of all though, while perhaps I can answer yes to those questions, the one question that throws everything into doubt is, "Would doing such things be a mistake in the first place knowing that you lack the intellectual capacity to know for certain what's right in the first place?"
The thing I fear the most is my own imcompentance, combined with my compultion to fix things, that will eventually lead to the ruin of everything. So, I turn to various forms of liquid courage to ease the nights after a hard day's of a job gone wrong.
Got no great wisdom for you man.
I think that you are lonely, having some depression, and focus on the negative rather than the positive.
Often thinking "what about me, I'm doing everything right and not getting the results I deserve...."
"And that guy has this, that, & the other and doesn't deserve it!"
That's a recipe for just total unhappiness in my book.
If your depression is proven chemical, you might need to see a physician. If not, I want to tell you to deal with it. Like I said though, I've got no great wisdom.
Those "successful" people you see, I know them. I know their accountants too. Many are a paycheck away from losing that car and that house.
That happy marriage? You don't know. You don't live there. Most of the people that I know that have been married are divorced or wish they were. Don't get me wrong, I believe when it's right it's the best thing in the world for two people.
Just don't be over envious of what you perceive to be others' better lives.
Finally, I'll say this gunner:
Stop comparing yourself to anyone else for any reason. Work on you regardless of what others do.
I don't want to silence any rebuttal, but I do think that arguing against what I put in bold is continuing to follow your destructive pattern.
Tailgunner, regarding your marriage situation. Guys do marry women who have children by another man and sometimes those relationships work out fine. The dynamics are very different and much more complicated than having your own children, it's difficlut enough to discipline or give advice to my own children without my wife trying to interrupt me or come to their defense. I can hear it now"Those are Not your children!". Forget about being a savior for a moment, is there Love, caring and romance? Can you take a backset to the needs of her children? Do you want her to feel love or be indebted to you? Starting a marriage in financial debt is a bad idea! Your Mom means well, don't assume she does not understand the complications and risks. Don't take this the wrong way, but as much as I think you are a hardworking, brave and generous man, I think like many folks you need the benefit of a professioanl therapist to help you work out some difficulties. You are taking on too much as it is, the stress will hurt you eventually. Why not live with her a while, no legal bonds and see how it goes? Best of luck.